Contemplation

I've been thinking...
about quite a lot of things...
rather...depressing things...

Is this really a reality? I mean, i honestly don't know where the artificial stops and the real starts. It's a bit frightening....not that i'm scared..but just of the fact that because it feels like a movie...i tend to treat it that way.... The drugs, the drinking, staying up all night, sleeping all day, not sleeping for several days...suicide attempts... I can't honestly take things literally if i believe it's only make believe.
I paint, and draw, and play guitar...but most other things i do are destructive..not only to me, but the people and things around me...